I thought I could never tell anyone about it, but it has been 9 years now.
I was 15 back then, and my sister Dorothea was 13.
I never thought of me as pretty, but rather as a lousy excuse for a woman. Rather skinny, undeveloped and with a short haircut as I preferred, I was quite often mistaken for a boy. As I hate to say now, this often made me proud. Doscha (as I called her) on the contrary was very appealing to the eye. She had long, flowing black hair and a perfect physique. She always was a cheerful, charming girl, laughing the whole day. At least, I remember her that way. She was very popular among our family and friends alike and I hated her for that. Even though my parents noticed that she was getting so much more attention than me, they could not close themselves off to her charms. You see, my parents were extremely prude.
I think I have never seen my father naked and my mother only on two occasions. They never told me about the birds and the bees and stuff. A friend at school had to clear me up, and that was only short before my 15th birthday! I found out with 11 years of age how to masturbate with water jets in public swimming-pools.
I always thought I invented something new, until I saw a boy of my age do it too. Then I continued to experiment with my hands..
I masturbated very often as this was one of the few things, that made me happy.
I found out that I delighted most in thinking about how to socially disgrace my sister.
I imagined how satisfying it would be if my parents walked in on her while SHE was masturbating…
I always came heavily when I thought of that. Then something even more shameful came into my mind. What if she was disgraced a lesbian?!? Or maybe even a lesbian who did it with her own sister!!! I almost flipped out over that thought and it became almost obsessive. During the next days I developed thousands of ideas how to make love to her, and just about as many sore spots…
I had already noticed that she was masturbating too, as she was not the type who did it quietly. When I think back, I believe my parents knew too, but they pretended not to notice anything that even remotely had something to do with that. When my parents were gone on holiday, bicycling with their friends, as they still often do, I decided it was the time.
I told her a made up a story about a boy, I just met, and how wonderful he was, that we kissed passionately and how I was dreaming about him… That did the trick. Only 15 minutes later, I heard her in her room relieving herself.
I noticed that she locked her door after she went in, but there was another door between her room and mine which couldn’t be locked. Usually I have a chair standing in front of that door, which opens into my room, so she can’t just walk in on me. Quietly I removed the chair and opened the door just a tiny little bit. She was kneeling on her bed, facing sideways to me. The way she did herself was not unlike my own method, I noticed. Then I loudly bumped the door open and stepped into her room. She reacted as I hoped she would, she gave off a shriek turned white pale. She cringed onto her bed, shivering and tears in her eyes.
I told her that I caught her red- handed and what would happen if I told our parents and our friends. Besides, she was obviously masturbating about my (imagined) boy-friend and that he was mine and she stole him from me and had to be punished. She was like butter in my hands! I never felt so superior to another.
I slowly approached and caressed her hair while I started to undress myself with my other hand.
I can’t write what comes next, since I forgot all of the details, but Doscha ended up having oral sex with me, which disgusted her, but I just loved it.
In fact, I loved it so much, I completely forgot about taking pictures with the Polaroid camera I borrowed from my grandmother. But my fairest hint of giving away our ‘secret’ was enough for her to succumb to me. We both changed a lot from this day on. She was extremely introverted and sad and cried sometimes without any apparent reason. she really suffered a lot. My parents took her to a doctor when they came back, but she didn’t tell anyone.
I, on the contrary, was suddenly energetic, cheerful and popular with almost anybody.
I was even elected vice- class-speaker a couple of weeks later. The following 2 months I made her lick me seven days a week and I did her too, sometimes, when I felt like it. Then one day, when I came back from school, my father was there, which is rather unusual, since he is normally at work till late afternoon. He was totally pale and I noticed, that he cried and he told me that something happened to Doscha. We drove off to a nearby hospital, and when we arrived there my mother was totally lost in tears. She fell around the neck of my father and cried continuously. A nurse told me to be brave and that my sister had just died of the injuries she received in a car accident in front of her school. Later I heard that it was almost as if she ran into the car on purpose. The driver of the bus that ran over her was a twenty-something year old guy. He came by our house 2 or 3 times. He was so desperate because of the accident and wanted to help us, but my parents sent him away. They didn’t sue him or anything, but he was in a bad shape nonetheless.
I think the police took away his license, or something like that. To say that I felt as bad as I could would have been an understatement.
I dropped out of school half a year later and pigged out almost 20 kg.
I didn’t leave home as I was wracked with suffering. Finally, I managed to get a hold of myself and returned to evening-school and made it to the German ‘fachhochschule’ where I still am.
I still have the feeling that I was a true monster, psychologically raping my own sister, day after day.
I have never been close to anyone else anymore, and masturbating doesn’t make me even remotely happy, so I stopped doing it.