Confessions: I’m racked with guilt about this

This is my true story and it has devastated me for most of my life.

I’m not really sure why I’m telling you about this since I’ve never told anyone before. Maybe because I don’t know you and you can’t judge me.

It started when I was 4 years old.

I would go into my parents room to watch television and my dad would put his hands down my panties and start to masturbate me under the covers, while my mom was in the kitchen cooking breakfast. The thing that makes me feel the worst about it is he never paid any attention to me or my sister at any other time, unless it was to abuse us physically and emotionally. So I would go back there day after day and let him do that to me just to feel loved. This continued on a daily basis until I turned 9 and he took a work assignment out of the country.

I tried telling my mom what he was doing to me but she wouldn’t believe me (but I know she knew because she had came in on us a couple of times saw his hands under the sheet, left and said nothing) This sounds sick, but I was so used to being masturbated that I would do it to myself daily, then I decided to have my little sister help me so I would make her lie down and lay on top of her rubbing myself to get off.

I guess in reality this makes me a monster as well, but I try to tell myself that at 9 years old I really didn’t know any better even though I’m racked with guilt about this.

I am 35 years old now, and when my children were small it was very difficult for me to change their diapers, give them a bath etc. because I was afraid I would touch them and maybe get an incestuous urge. But I am happy to report that never happened.

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